Do you offer yourself without reserve to be appointed and to serve as the authoritative authority may determine?
Have I attained perfection already? Have I completely conquered all matter of fear? Do I have complete and perfect trust in the Cabinet? Do I completely give over to other fallible humanoids the responsibility to determine how and where I will live out God’s calling in my life? Do I dismiss the truth that God usually speaks to me directly about my life’s direction? Should I not snicker at “authoritative authority”? Should I begin referring to myself as Pastoral Pastor Christopher, after all I do lead biblical Bible studies, pray prayerful prayers and officiate at funereal funerals? Will the Board be mad that I confessed one reasonable reservation?
Does the Cabinet have to be perfect for me to trust them? Do past mistakes disqualify them to make future good decisions? Is it NOT the higher standard to go where one is sent and to serve with vigor and integrity despite the locality? What if I am too inflexible to go just anywhere? Does that mean I am in the wrong business? What do I make of the notion that a collection of servants are deliberating my present and future tenures prayerfully? Why do I feel comforted when I learn of parishioners praying for me, yet discomforted when I learn that my Conference leaders are also praying for me?
How does God sort out these differing prayers? What does Jesus, who created this church long ago, think of such a process? How often does our calling his name make Jesus cringe? How does God, gracious and just, know when to intervene, correcting our iniquities, and when to live and let live, letting our iniquities live also?
How does one reach the point where he or she can answer Yes with a straight face? How often does one say ‘Yes’ with all the integrity in the world, yet lives to regret the ‘Yes’? Is there room down the road to renegotiate? Shouldn’t we have to answer these questions every 10 years or so, like renewing one’s driver’s license?
Why, despite his stellar record, do I hesitate to give my life 100% completely to God?
2 thoughts on “BOOM: Offering myself without reserve”
Candid thoughts and questions that every pastor under appointment ponders. Looking forward is always Mystery asking “Can I trust?” Looking back, over time, one can see the Hand of God moving in our and other’s triumphs and failures, good and not so good choices, willingness to embrace the Mystery and times we’ve all withdrawn from it, and how the Hand of God guided, provided and taught us through it all….Can we embrace it together?
I would have a really hard time handing my life as G-d’s servant over to other humans. But, I have my children’s lives in my hands, and they didn’t really ask for me to be their mom… it was just where G-d placed them. In my hands. Ack! Why did G-d trust me with these baby humans? Will G-d really give me the skills and enough love to handle this job? What if I do actual damage when I make a mistake? What if I don’t know enough and I make a mistake? What if I do real damage to this person?
Maybe your authoritative authorities are asking these questions when they pray for you. (oh my, that redundancy is hard not to giggle about)