24 October 2024

One of Wesley’s daily examination questions states: “Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?” Why yes I am! Thanks for asking.

I recently heard of the concept of self-compassion. In looking at Wesley’s question, I find that perhaps self-compassion ought to be added to the list. There was a moment when I thought it ought to replace the entire list. As I examine the idea of self-compassion, I quickly found myself trapped in self-justification. And I have had to draw some distinctions between self-compassion and self-pitying.

Self-Pitying is Irresponsible

I think of self-pity as woe-is-me-ism: the idea that one’s suffering is insurmountable and ultimately someone else’s fault. If there is suffering, analyze why it is. Perhaps it’s obvious: you’re grieving a death, etc. Perhaps it’s not so obvious: someone didn’t do for me what I wanted. In any case, self-pitying has a tendency to pass the blame to others, regardless of where it actually belongs.

Self-Compassion isn’t self-pity. Self-compassion acknowledges one’s own pain simply in its own state. ‘I am grieved because I lost ____.’ But self-compassion returns to a basic self-identification: I am a child of God. Self-compassion addresses the current pain from a place of inherent self-worth. There may be a lot of things to confess: wrong-doings, sins, pains, griefs, etc. And the confessor may have to wade through a lot of muck. The self-compassionate one doesn’t shirk responsibility. Nor does he wallow in guilt. While the self-pitying passes blame, the self-compassionate one values truth and trusts it to set us free. The rock bottom is the base idea that we are all children of God. That base truth turns our suffering (self-imposed, deserved, whatever) into an opportunity for new life.

Here are John Wesley’s 22 daily questions for self-examination: https://www.umcyoungpeople.org/lead/everyday-disciples-john-wesleys-22-questions